It’s great to write about things in a diary or a blog just like you did because it helps you organize your thoughts, at least it works great for me. It’s also hard to explain to anyone how ‘frustrated’ you are without them misunderstanding you.

Good luck to you and the person you seek is rare but one day you will find Mr. Right,

Though I am female, I’m kind of an atypical one in that I’m not interested in actually having sex (though I’m okay with it if that’s what my partner wants)–this physical drive I describe in this post is more of a sensual, rather than sexual thing. I’m guessing that’s a little different from your partner, since you say she has these “on and off” periods. I get that to a degree with this touchy-cuddly sort of thing, but speaking sexually, at my most “on,” my desires are only ambiguously not-quite-sexual (i.e. “Well, I wouldn’t mind having an orgasm, but I don’t care if I don’t.”). So, I don’t think I can answer for her about why she goes through it–quite possibly, even she can’t say. Sometimes you’re in the mood, sometimes you just… aren’t.

Your best bet is to just ask her what she’s feeling. I may be another female who is not terribly emotionally expressive, but just because we both defy the stereotype in that way, that doesn’t mean I’ll have any kind of insight as to what she’s feeling. You really need to communicate with her to find some way to work this out. That’s going to be absolutely crucial to this, and it will be tricky, because you want to communicate honestly, but don’t pressure her. She may not be comfortable with a face-to-face conversation. There are people (and I’m one of them) who tend to shut down when asked to have a serious conversation face-to-face, and feel unable to express themselves simply because that is not their area of strength. Give her the space, if she needs it, to express herself in writing, or however else she feels most comfortable. It could be that she’s very expressive in other mediums, just not so much in the one you use most often.

As for dealing with your sexual frustration… This is where I have the least experience, since I’ve never felt that, myself. However, I do have experience with trying to keep my partners from being sexually frustrated, despite my asexuality… There are a number of things you might be able to do to deal with it. Masturbation is a good one, but I realize it may not help your desire for sexual intimacy with your partner. One thing that has helped my partner and I is to find things that aren’t sexual for me, but are for her. For example, I will hold her and caress her while she masturbates. Or do something that she finds kinky (like spanking) which allows me to stimulate her while being free from having to be touched myself. Of course, this depends on your partner’s level of comfort with these things… There are some more ideas in this post, which, while it is aimed at an asexual audience, might be helpful to you as well.

Good luck with this situation! I hope I was able to help.

For some reason, the situation always seems much more grave when I express my negative emotions that it actually is. At least it’s nowhere near as bad as the situation I was in last year, since right now I have the space I need to deal with things without having others impose on me too much, and I’m not quite as isolated from my friends as I was then (plus I’m not slowly losing the best of them right when I need her the most). I’ll see them soon. Back then, somewhat ironically, the only thing keeping me sane was my continued relationship with M. Since then, I’ve gotten into a much more stable situation, so I can handle this.

Marshall–That’s an interesting quote, about introverts cutting vs. extroverts throwing dishes. Personally, I can scream, but only under the most extreme duress (I kind of had to learn, growing up in the house I did), and really, it’s true that I’ve always been more attracted to cutting as a way to deal with emotions than taking them out on objects/others. I’ve never done it, though, mostly because I don’t want *any* visible evidence that I have emotions, at ALL. Cutting would surely get me into serious trouble if anyone ever found out; I’d be hounded invasively by a lot of people I don’t trust to tell my emotional difficulties to. So instead I usually turn to escapism and writing to deal with things.

By the way, my isolation count is: Last saw friends in march, last non-accidental human contact from a non-family member (like a hug or anything) september 4th 2008 (11 months, 4 days, and 23 hours in counting)
Tomorrow is always better, Ciao.

Hang in there.